Download PDF by David Sedaris: Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

By David Sedaris

ISBN-10: 0316779423

ISBN-13: 9780316779425

Brief tales and essays by way of an condominium cleanser and a favored commentator for nationwide Public Radio spotlight the absurd habit of sleek americans, equivalent to the suburban dad who saves funds by way of appearing surgical procedure at domestic. Reprint. 25,000 first printing.

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Extra resources for Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

Sample text

This was the case with Charlton Heston, who lost most of his money in a series of bad investments. It’s sad. The man is a big star who makes a fortune delivering the Ten Commandments one day, and then loses it all as a silent partner in a Sambo’s restaurant chain the next. Mike and I would gladly give everything we’ve got in exchange for a little privacy. We would be happy living in a tent, cooking franks over an open fire on the plot of land we bought just outside Reno. Mike Tyson and I are that much in love.

She said he forced her but that’s a lie because you don’t force whores and that’s what she is — a whore. Annette and Randy deserve each other. Dick-Breath and Stinky-Finger riding up and down the escalator at Crabtree Valley, up and down, up and down. Fancy little shit-heads! Look at them, take a good hard look at them. It’s their fault I’m dead. They are to blame. I urge you now to take those paperweights and stone them. Release your anger! The Bible says that it’s all right to cast the first stone if someone dead is telling you to do it and I’m telling you now, pretend the paperweights are stones and cast them upon the guilty.

Most of it is just common sense. For example, I have given my daughter, Dawn, stitches several times. If you can sew a button on a shirt, then you can give someone stitches. Just make sure to use a clean, sharp needle and some strong thread. I recommend un-waxed dental floss. Do not, under any circumstances, use yarn. I found myself in a pinch last year and Dawn still blames me for that scar on her forehead. I said then and I will say now that there is no way I’m going to pay some doctor three hundred dollars just because my daughter got drunk and fell.

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Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays by David Sedaris

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